Bethesda took the stage at E3, and I have strong feelings about it.

A somewhat coherent rambling by JunoJade

Bethesda presented at E3 last night, and it was, well, interesting. It started off pretty slow, took a turn for the worse, and ended on some high notes.

All of the presenters, aside from (Uncle Pete) Hines and Todd Howard, seemed like they really didn't want to be there (especially the guy presenting Elder Scrolls: Legends stuff...guy, if you're being held against your will, blink twice). 

The presenters after every lame joke, cringey gimmick, or lackluster piece of information (credit to /u/_dontjimthecamera):

Uncle Pete threw a bit of shade at Walmart Canada for accidentally leaking Rage 2 (earlier this year, Walmart Canada put multiple, previously unannounced games on their site for preorder, one of which was Rage 2).

This was followed by a performance by Andrew W.K., of Rage 2’s theme song. I felt a bit bad for him, as his performance would have been more exciting and well-received had the game not been leaked beforehand.

I have very little interest in playing Rage 2. Nothing about the game looked very unique or interesting. I’m not a huge fan of modern FPS in general (give me Goldeneye and Perfect Dark any day), but if an FPS brings something new and interesting to the table, I will probably check it out. Rage 2 did not do this, and I was bored during the gameplay footage (let’s keep showing the same moves over and over again, but change between inside and outside settings…that’ll be interesting. Not).

Doom: Eternal. Probably won’t check it out. The only Dooms I have ever played were the 0G, and a fake version of it that a friend put on my graphing calculator in high school. That’s enough for me.

New Quake (with a lot of references to QuakeCon). I’ve never played Quake, but since it has been described to me as “faster Doom” (credit to GrimlocktheDino), I probably won’t pick it up. The footage shown last night didn’t really do anything for me anyway.

Extra stuff for Prey, including what appears to be a horde mode. I don’t really care for horde mode (except, as pointed out by Jazze, Gears of Wars’ horde mode), but seeing the game did make me want to go back and play it (I’m very intrigued by the ability to pretend to be inanimate objects).

Wolfenstein: Youngblood looks interesting. You'll be able to play (cooperatively, with a friend!) as B.J. Blazkowicz (no idea who that is, but I digress)'s twin daughters in the 1980s. We didn't get much more information than that. I've never played a Wolfenstein game, but I may jump into this series.

Seriously, can we pump the brakes with all the VR ports? I personally don’t find value in this technology, at least not where it is right now.

Oh, Todd Howard, you cheeky bastard. You have become self-aware. I was very amused by the Keegan-Michael Key/Alexa video, parodying how Skyrim has been ported 8 billion times (coming soon to Alexa, Etch-a-Sketch, pagers, and smart fridges). Now where’s my TI-83+ graphing calculator port?

Elder Scrolls: Legends. I’ve never been a fan of the video card game genre, aside from Solitaire (don’t judge me), and the Witcher 3 in-game version of Gwent (the standalone version doesn’t tickle me in the same way). I’m sure some folks will be interested in this, but for me, hard pass.

Elder Scrolls: Blades. Meh. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably play it, but I was starting to get very perturbed, thinking that Bethesda’s Elder Scrolls dev team had been working on a mobile game, rather than a true Elder Scrolls game.

More Elder Scrolls: Online expansion information; this time, we are going to the Summerset Isles, home of the High Elves. ESO is a beautiful game, and I love that it allows you to explore multiple regions in Tamriel. However, my appreciation for the game ends there. The game does not feel like an Elder Scrolls game. I hate the inventory and leveling systems. Combat feels like you’re trying to stand on ice while swinging a sword (slippery and sloppy). This is the only MMO I’ve played that is actually less fun to play with other people, as the map markers and fast traveling are of little help. I don’t even enjoy playing it solo, and believe me, I have given this game multiple chances. Every time I try to play it, I get frustrated and end up playing Skyrim (on my Tamagotchi, of course).

Fallout Shelter is coming to PS4 and the Switch. Trophies have been confirmed. You’ll see JunoJade on there probably. #trophywhore

Fallout 76. Oh, Bethesda, you’ve really been toying with me lately.

I was intrigued by the creepy Vault Boy stream some days ago, and I had been doing my best not to speculate too much on what Fallout 76 was actually going to be; I put my trust in you, and waited until E3. I was enjoying the new footage last night, right up until Todd Howard dropped this bomb: Fallout 76 will be 100% online. I WANT SINGLE PLAYER SANDBOX. THAT’S ALL I WANT FROM YOU. Instead, you’re giving me a game where I can build a beautiful Utopian settlement, only to have it nuked into oblivion by some jackass that’s collected all the letters of the nuclear launch sequence. *Sigh* Let’s be real, you’re probably going to get my $60 (or $48…I don’t remember when my non-renewable Best Buy Gamers’ Club membership expires #salty) come November 14, 2018. I won’t be happy about it, though.

Part of me had been wondering if Starfield was, in fact, a real game, or if Bethesda had simply been playing the long con, using it as a codename or something of the sort. I still subscribe to the theory that Starfield was supposed to be revealed during last year’s E3 stage; Bethesda’s presentation last year felt like something had been removed last minute (also, why else would they have a field of stars in their visuals?) I was really hoping for more information about this title. Instead, we were given a J.J. Abrams-esque shot of some planetary body, a star, and then a simple, yet admittedly sleek, logo. No rough idea of a release year. My guess is either late 2019 or 2020, since Bethesda likes to play things close to the chest and then, at E3, go, “AND IT’LL BE AVAILABLE IN NOVEMBER OF THIS YEAR!” LG Dishwasher exclusive first, of course.

ELDER SCROLLS VI IS REAL. IT HASN’T BECOME THE NEW HALF-LIFE 3. We were shown an aerial view of the new game, lasting roughly 30 seconds. It’s hard to determine which region this will be in, but the most popular contenders (at least on the various subreddits I frequent…looking at you, /r/elderscrolls) seem to be Hammerfell, High Rock, and Elsweyr (please please please let it be Elsweyr so I can see all the iterations of Khajiit). I would also be down for it to be set on a continent other than Tamriel.

Starfield will most likely be released before TES VI. I’m 30 now, with no kids yet; Bethesda will probably release the name of TES VI around the time that my first grandchild is born.

What did you think of Bethesda's E3 presentation last night? Are you excited for their new games? Do you feel personally victimized by Todd Howard? Let us know here, or in the Discord.